Thoughts of Satisfaction

Today will be the last full day I spend in California until the next time I'm in California.

I've grown to be quite close to the people I'm staying with and last night they invited me to share in the weekly ritual that they call having "group", which is simply a time for everyone in their small community to get together and each have a chance to talk about what's been on their mind, any changes in their life, or if there are problems to be addressed, where no one gets to interrupt or criticize. The space is just open to be filled.

Anyhow, when it was my turn, I was not sure what to say, if I didn't want to stick to filling up the space with long-winded gratitude musings, which for some reason didn't seem right, though it was (and is true) that I continue to be filled with gratitude. So I thought about the place that I came from in comparison to the place that I'm in right now in terms of state of mind.

In general, I would say that I tend to gauge by the pacing of ups and downs that come along, and to be fair, mainly the downs, not out of a pessimism, but because they give me the most to think about, as they involve problem solving and analyzing, whereas the ups seem to just be as they are.

But in being in this place of scenic beauty, of creation, routine, blossoming and open friendship to new people, I've had very few downs.

This has been strange.

Being content, I would call it. Not a state of being that usually hangs on for very long in my life; being content is that place I reserve when I'm in between distinct highs and lows, and usually my contentedness is reserved for solitary times. Here, it is shared. We revel in it day by day, but not to the point of excitement, and we notice how things are good, and the world we live in is beautiful; we are sharing in this or that splendor. The odd thing is not that in itself, it is the sheer duration that this can be suspended over time without interruption or complication. Little emotions come and go, but with such ease and flow.

I realized at a point not too far into my stay that I was bracing myself for some big welling of discomfort to battle with. When it didn't come, I wasn't sure at first what to do, and had to give a big mental sigh to relax into the next stretch of being alright with things as they were.

I thought this must be some big statement about the way we all are, and how most of our frustrations are probably only frustrations because we need them to be, and because we are used to them being so, not to mention our self-importance, but I also think "why not"? It's great to have goals in life, and every frustration I meet is something to tackle and help reevaluate things. It's really more amusing than any tragedy to watch myself having a hard time being content.